“East Whittington cop out”
From Rotten Boroughs column in “Private Spy” magazine
Yet more red faces in the East Whittington Constabulary as the hapless CID fail, yet again, to achieve a conviction against the infamous “East Whittington Three”. Despite an alleged crime spree that has rampaged across the Borough, the Police have never produced a solid case and rumours of attempted fit ups now abound. The recent not guilty verdict relate to charges of armed robbery and wounding a police officer; added to previous cases, the tally of wounded coppers who have fallen victim to their own superiors bungling has risen to three, along with several on gardening leave pending investigation to alleged links to local underworld figures. This was one farce too far for the Borough Police Authority and DCI Albert Spencer (“Frank” or “Oooh Betty”) to his long suffering detectives has now been sacked as head of CID and a new man bought in.
DCI Jack “Jim” Hacker, formerly of the West Midshires Regional Crime Squad today announced he was setting up the East Whittington Flying Squad to tackle the wave of crime that has hit the Borough:
“I’m an old fashioned hard copper who believes in nicking scum and Man U supporters” said Hacker at a press conference last week “The Flying Squad is going to tackle crime head on and give it a good kicking.“ Other more interesting Hacker quotes include “you did it and that’s why you’re falling down the stairs”, “tell me who drove the motor and I’ll start hitting him not you” and “I’m nicking you because I want to”.
Local civil rights groups are already complaining at Hacker’s appointment but an EWC spokesman has pointed out his high conviction rate in Midshire “if you want them nicked, Hackers your man”.