Payroll Blag

EAST WHITTINGTON EVENING STANDARD

RED TERROR

POLICE KILLED

ARMED PAYROLL ROBBERY

Two unarmed police officers were today brutally gunned down during a payroll robbery. PCs Ray Carling and Chris Skelton were responding to a 999 call from EW Payroll Processing when they were shot by a member of a five strong, heavily armed gang. As accomplices loaded cash bags into a van, a female robber threatened staff with a machine pistol.
    

The police responded in the form of veteran Sgt Dave Lanchester, luckily armed with a revolver, who used the cover of parked cars to get close to the van, shout a warning and open fire, wounding one of the gang. As she left the offices, the female robber shot and wounded Sgt Lanchester who nonetheless returned fire. The villains were piling into the van as the Flying Squad arrived in a howl of sqealing brakes.
   
Eyewitnesses report that the Squad didnt even leave their car but fired their revolvers out of the windows as machine gun and shotgun rounds pinged overhead. One gunman fell out of the van, fatally wounded. A chase then ensued but the Squad were forced off the road when an oilcan was hurled in front off them; in the fearsome skid that followed, Gatti's Mobile Fish and Chip Emporium was written off totally.
    

AFTERMATH

• British Pastoid PLC refused to divulge the extent of the wages snatched.
• Security Cameras identify the female robber as Claire Dixby, alleged kidnap victim.
• DCI Hacker stated "this was the act of a bunch of long haired murdering trot toerags; this Dixby bird must have a thing for unwashed maoist nutters with guns, if she thinks its Baader Meinhoff, she's wrong, it just "blokes, get mine off". 
• Felpersham Police have swamped the College area in a manhunt for accomplices as the dead robber was identified as Eric "Stoat" Statham, a well known student radical.